RIP Mojo

Hey, how do you kill your mojo? Try meeting Doreen Frumkin.

Woah, now. That's a little harsh. That's a lot harsh, but what a downer. To give my poor victim some credit, maybe she's just a quiet, lower energy person. But here's what happened: I came to One on One equipped with my spankin' new Snapple copy ready to shine. I went into the room, read (this one was on camera) and...crickets. No feedback, no comments, no criticisms, no giggles or smiles...I was invited to sit down in a chair that was uncomfortably close to Frumkin where she studied my resume, asked me what I was up to, and...that's all. She was done with me. I felt like I was in the room for maybe 3 minutes. It sucked. I mean, after my last 3 meetings on Saturday I was expecting just a tad more than that. And maybe it wasn't my fault, but it makes me so freakin' paranoid that I totally messed up.

I'm slipping into a pessimistic abyss. What the hell am I doing? Am I ever going to get what I want? Sometimes I crave a career where I go to work everyday and do something I really care about. I don't give two (2) shits about my day job yet I'm there all the time and the career I really love, I don't even experience daily. It makes me think really hard about what other career I could pursue that would make me happy. I could be a casting director or a producer or a show-runner or something related to the field...and while those careers are challenging and competitive in their own ways I think I could structurally learn and climb a ladder and feel successful.

In my life to achieve optimum happiness, I think I would have to succeed as an actor. If I don't succeed as an actor my life would probably be filled with a degree of unhappiness. I also think a high level of happiness, while not optimum level, could be achieved in another field. This, however, is not taking into account regret and wondering what if? Is the risk of unhappiness worth that extra degree of potential happiness? It's the difference between living my dream and...not. Then there's this: who's to say that I will be happy if I have a successful acting career? I could end up completely alone and that wouldn't make me happy, there is a balance. I guess in life you need to find various degrees of happiness in various aspects of your life to make yourself generally happy. Or something. And this isn't news to anybody but for some reason it is to me.

I'm supposed to be doing this for myself. But really, I'm not having all that much fun. When I walk into an audition room I'm not worried about having a good time, I worried about what I have to do to make this dickhead think I'm the greatest thing to walk the earth. When told that I'm too worried about what other people think, I say, "Of course I am! I have to make other people like me in order to get work!" You don't make a living or a career out of making yourself feel good and having a good time. We, as actors, need other people to like us. I'm not trying to say I'm not genuine when I audition, I'm saying we have to play the game and I am determined to figure out how to win.

I'm really tired of being down in the dumps. This pity party's over. Fuck it. Fuck them all. I'm the shit and I do what I want.

Some Crazy Ass Shit

I just recently went to a commercial agentfest hosted by the Network. It was basically commercial agent speed dating. I also went to one of these last month and had a much different experience.

At the first one I used the copy I’ve been using regularly (the one that Barry Shapiro tweaked) and it received mixed feedback. On the one hand Kevin McShane of Fifi Oscard loved it, god bless his heart, he told me I received an A+ for the audition and to keep that copy forever because it was funny and unique. Kirsten Walther of CESD was mild-mannered and barely said a damn thing. And on the other extreme side of the spectrum the blunt and abrasive Ginger Dicce of Ginger Dicce Talent demanded that I leave the room to get new copy because mine was “too confusing”. She let me come back in the room with a cute Snapple copy that I snagged for later use and other such emergencies. Other than Dicce nobody flat out said anything negative about the copy itself.

My headshot also got mixed feedback. Lately people have been telling me that from my headshot they would expect me to be a fat girl! I’m not a fat girl! (They say that part too.) It has to do with the camera angle, how close-up my face is, and the fact that my face is, in fact, slimmer than it was when I took the picture. Granted, it has been 3 years since I took headshots and I am long overdue for new ones. Then again, some people say, “It still looks like you, your face looks pretty, keep using it.” It’s a goddamned crapshoot. Now I just hand it over, wince, and brace myself for the strong opinions coming at me.

Let me take a minute to say this is some crazy ass shit, yo. People’s opinions are all over the map and most of these agents (especially the older more established ones) really think that they’re all that AND a bag of chips. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard elsewhere, they know everything and they are always right. So who the hell am I supposed to listen to? Everybody? Nobody? Myself? Ha, myself…riiight…In general, I prefer to see a young fresh face in the room. There is less ego, less power tripping, and more honest, friendly, interest and conversation. That’s this girl’s experience anyway…

At my most recent agentfest I got 4 out of 5 agents telling me my headshot was so lard-o-licious they would submit me for the lead in Hairspray! (I’m being completely serious here aside from “lard-o-licious”) I GOTTA get new pictures. And fast!

I used my old faithful copy for my first two “dates” with Michael Raymen of Buchwald and Marion Falk of Frontier Booking and I nearly got torn a new asshole. Raymen’s criticism was painful but constructive and most important of all, true. Overall, he just didn’t think the copy was the right fit for me. I wouldn’t get cast in that type of role, I was smarter than the character and it seemed like I knew that as I was doing the piece. Basically he confirmed that all of my insecurities about the piece were legit. Fine. For some reason I decided to chalk it up to a bad read, I was still getting warmed up. In the next room, Falk was way less constructive and way less direct. She almost seemed cunning in the way she did not insert her own opinion but asked what Barry Shapiro though of my copy, and quizzed me on casting directors. She seemed to enjoy criticizing and then told me I needed to take more classes with Barry. Neeext! I ran out of that meeting and ditched that copy like it was on fire. After the discomfort of that interaction I barely hesitated to get rid of my previously well-received copy and whip out the barely rehearsed back up Snapple one. After that it was smooth sailing. I had perfectly lovely meetings with Gilah Elul of Kolstein Talent Agency, Erica Moran of Avalon Artists, and Norma Eisenbaum of The Kransy Office.

This brings me to my next pondering: were Elul, Moran, and Eisenbaum just more pleasant people in general or were they more pleasant because I performed better? Raymen and Falk may have gotten the false impression that I was a newbie and unprepared because I read ill-fitting material and then they treated me as such when we talked afterwards. Conversely, did I give so much of a better first impression to the other 3 that they treated me more like a talented, in demand actor? I will say, it did help me to know that I had made a better first impression. It was much easier to relax and be myself and let my personality come out in our conversation knowing that the latter 3 liked me as opposed to feeling judged, criticized, and spoken down to by the others.

I felt really good when I left the first agentfest. It hadn't gone perfectly but I thought in general I had done well. I left the second agentfest flabbergasted and shell shocked. How am I gonna do this? How am I gonna fool some poor shmuck agent into liking me, and then fool some idiot director into hiring me? This is beyond crazy ass shit.

Aw, hell no!

What a day, what a god damned shitty day.

Yesterday I got a letter from my employer saying that I no longer qualified for my benefits. The only reason I work at the place I do is to get health insurance. The way it works, I keep my benefits if I work 240 hours per quarter which boils down to approximately 20 hours per week. Not bad at all. Well, I knew I was cutting it close this quarter so I've been picking up extra shifts to make my deadline. Turns out my manager was misinformed and told me I had one more week to hit 240 than I actually had. Here's the real kicker: If I had known, I could have cashed in 12.88 measely vacation hours to complete my 240! I have those vacation hours to use I just didn't effing know!

SO, I called the benefit center today to explain what happened. Basically, I have to submit a written request to review my case but in the meantime I only have health insurance until the end of this month. That is not ok with me. I couldn't help it, I just busted out into tears right there on the phone with this lady. She was very nice but she wasn't saying anything I wanted to hear! I have appointments with my shrink scheduled, I have a gyno appointment next month, I have a prescription to pay for...so the only way to get continuous coverage is to pay for COBRA. $380 for COBRA. I nearly threw up in my mouth. The lady told me I would be reimbursed if my case got resolved and there was just nothing else to do so I did it. I wrote the check. I'm already overly stressed about money, so this is just...perfect.

I wiped my tears, showered, and then prepped myself to meet commercial casting director Tony Pinchette at the Network. In my trusty planner I have written that this seminar was scheduled to start at 7:00. As I explained on January 15, at the Network you get your audition slot as you arrive the day of the seminar. Normally, arriving 30 min. early is plenty of time to nab a slot within the first 3. Wanting to get seen quickly and be on my way, I departed around 5:45 and arrived at about 6:25. When I entered the room I was shocked to see so many people there so early! I was the 10th person to arrive. Disappointed, I dropped my stuff on a chair and left to go to the bathroom in hopes of killing some of my 35 minutes of wait time. When I returned to the room around 6:48, Tony Pinchette was already in the middle of his schpiel. What the? I didn't know what to do. I am fixated with getting to these things punctually and not giving a nonchalant first impression. It is my personal nightmare to be the annoying asshole that walks in late. But I couldn't stand out in the hall for the whole time! So I went in late. I was not publicly humiliated but I was personally humiliated enough as it was, I had missed half of the Q & A and Tony clearly saw me come in late.

After the Q & A, I talked to the monitor who told me the session had started at 6:30. This made everything else make sense except: I don't fuck things like this up! I don't haphazardly jot things down, I always double check...sigh...the monitor was really nice so all that was left to do was to sit and wait. After about an hour of waiting I checked in with the monitor again and was told that Tony was currently meeting with actor #4!!! WHAT THE? What the hell was he doing for so long in that room with each actor? After another half hour Tony was only up to #7. This is when I seriously started to melt down. I had dinner plans that I was very much looking forward to after this seminar that I was pushing back every 3o minutes. I also had had an absolutely wretched day. Why would it not end? This was ridiculous! This was excessive! Perhaps Tony Pinchette was giving long thorough notes or meticulously analyzing us or just waxing poetic but WHAT THE FUCK! Maybe Tony had nothing else to do that night but I started to feel like what he was doing was extremely disrespectful for actors #4-12. I actually started to get offended. Nobody else seemed hot and bothered but I'm no pussy! My time is worth more than a rat's ass. I was able to check my personal baggage at the door for maybe 90 minutes but after that, the extreme weight of the sack of bullshit that was my day broke me. I teetered back and forth for a moment, but then I had to take control into my own hands and leave. The monitor was once again very nice and very apologetic explaining that this situation was highly unusual but that I could most likely get refunded a credit for this seminar. I left and it felt amazing. I have no regrets. Knowing my fragile mental state it felt like I was truly taking care of myself and it was empowering.

I have 1 more credit with the Network and I'm not purchasing anymore. What I went through was ridiculous and I can't believe people participate in such an asinine system. One on One is #1 the most respectful organization to it's actors. You schedule a time, you arrive for your appointment, and then you leave. Meetings are stopped at 10 minutes because really there is no need for them to be any longer because you're not taking a class, it's just an audition.

So, I didn't meet Tony Pinchette tonight. But I did have dinner and relax and vent to my friend. So BOOOOO stinkin HOOOO!

Course Evaluation

So my Barry Shapiro commercial class is over and I'm not sure what I thought of it. I like Barry. Like, as a person. He teaches class in his socks and will pick fun at you in a faux malicious way whenever he gets the chance. In addition, I'm 100% convinced that he knows his shit.

The class was taught at Actor's Connection. To take this class and experience the Barry Shapiro I had to fight my heinous aversion to the place and suck it up and deal. As I've learned time and time again, Actor's Connection takes money from whoever will pay. As a result it is home to all kinds of delusional, ignorant suckers who will hand over the cold hard cash. This class was not full of awful idiots but did consist of people who just seemed to be a step behind where I wanted to be. (Snobby? No. Realistic? Yeah.) It doesn't ruin the learning environment but it does set a tone.

Barry covers a lot in 5 weeks. Maybe that's part of the problem. He whizzes through topics so fast, then rapid fire has us try it, maybe runs it again and then swiftly moves on to the next person. I had some tics and idiosyncrasies pinpointed but had zero time to work on correcting them. Similarly, I didn't feel like I had enough time to master any of the things he taught. Forget master, at times it felt too fast to even have a grasp on everything.

Barry Shapiro and his class carry a lot of weight in the industry. When I mention his name at these sessions and seminars, agents and other casting directors respect and admire him. His class definitely taught how to audition for commercials but did not focus on how to catch someone's attention at these meetings I've been attending. I guess you can go ahead and apply the same techniques but it seems to me, to stick out, you need to find the right copy for your type and really do something with it. I wish we could have spent a little time on that: audition copy.

I wanted to get more out of this class. Maybe it was me, I usually went to class tired after work and as mentioned yesterday, I have not been a happy camper lately. I'm a little disappointed. Maybe that's what Barry wanted...for us to sign up for his advanced class.

Boooo March!

I didn't write at all in March. That was not intentional. I was just in a really bad mood and I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing lots of things. It's hard to explain...maybe it's the change of seasons? Maybe it's an intense need to feel some level of success? Artistically...creatively...socially...physically...financially...Or progress? I'd be ok with progress too.

Maybe it started after my last trip home. It's always sort of depressing coming back to my NY life after having a really fun, action packed, friend and family filled weekend that I've been looking forward to back home. I dunno.

I'm still doing things. I haven't been holed up in my apartment wearing the same dirty PJs for weeks on end. I finished Jodi's class, I've been taking Barry's. I met 9 people at One on One/The Network. But I haven't felt myself. I maybe might be on the way to shaking this. I'm writing now, aren't I?