RIP Mojo

Hey, how do you kill your mojo? Try meeting Doreen Frumkin.

Woah, now. That's a little harsh. That's a lot harsh, but what a downer. To give my poor victim some credit, maybe she's just a quiet, lower energy person. But here's what happened: I came to One on One equipped with my spankin' new Snapple copy ready to shine. I went into the room, read (this one was on camera) and...crickets. No feedback, no comments, no criticisms, no giggles or smiles...I was invited to sit down in a chair that was uncomfortably close to Frumkin where she studied my resume, asked me what I was up to, and...that's all. She was done with me. I felt like I was in the room for maybe 3 minutes. It sucked. I mean, after my last 3 meetings on Saturday I was expecting just a tad more than that. And maybe it wasn't my fault, but it makes me so freakin' paranoid that I totally messed up.

I'm slipping into a pessimistic abyss. What the hell am I doing? Am I ever going to get what I want? Sometimes I crave a career where I go to work everyday and do something I really care about. I don't give two (2) shits about my day job yet I'm there all the time and the career I really love, I don't even experience daily. It makes me think really hard about what other career I could pursue that would make me happy. I could be a casting director or a producer or a show-runner or something related to the field...and while those careers are challenging and competitive in their own ways I think I could structurally learn and climb a ladder and feel successful.

In my life to achieve optimum happiness, I think I would have to succeed as an actor. If I don't succeed as an actor my life would probably be filled with a degree of unhappiness. I also think a high level of happiness, while not optimum level, could be achieved in another field. This, however, is not taking into account regret and wondering what if? Is the risk of unhappiness worth that extra degree of potential happiness? It's the difference between living my dream and...not. Then there's this: who's to say that I will be happy if I have a successful acting career? I could end up completely alone and that wouldn't make me happy, there is a balance. I guess in life you need to find various degrees of happiness in various aspects of your life to make yourself generally happy. Or something. And this isn't news to anybody but for some reason it is to me.

I'm supposed to be doing this for myself. But really, I'm not having all that much fun. When I walk into an audition room I'm not worried about having a good time, I worried about what I have to do to make this dickhead think I'm the greatest thing to walk the earth. When told that I'm too worried about what other people think, I say, "Of course I am! I have to make other people like me in order to get work!" You don't make a living or a career out of making yourself feel good and having a good time. We, as actors, need other people to like us. I'm not trying to say I'm not genuine when I audition, I'm saying we have to play the game and I am determined to figure out how to win.

I'm really tired of being down in the dumps. This pity party's over. Fuck it. Fuck them all. I'm the shit and I do what I want.