Is this normal? Other things I do in life don't make me freak the fuck out. I mean, duh, this is the stuff I care about and love and want to succeed at so badly but do other people freak the fuck out? People who are more practiced? People who know they don't suck? Professionals? It really makes me wonder sometimes if this is really what I want to do or if I somehow enjoy the torture. (Maybe it's both.)
In A Director Prepares, Anne Bogart has an entire chapter on resistance. I thought this chapter would somehow validate my wacko feelings on performance. While Bogart believes you have to overcome resistance to accomplish any act, she talks a lot about external resistances. She looks at challenges such as budget and venue restraints explaining that difficulties intensify commitment and therefore create more energy. Sure, that makes sense, Anne, it's also kind of obvious: the more obstacles you care to overcome amplify dedication and passion. It's this energy thing that's kind of interesting and kind of applicable. Bogart argues that in every task, even "easy" ones, you must find the resistance in order to find that conquering energy because energy is the crucial ingredient necessary for theatre.My last improv show was not perfect, but it was fun. Putting myself out there was the obstacle and in overcoming it, the performace truly did have energy! I'm still a little confused by Bogart, I really think she might be talking about resistance your character faces when on stage, but I'm really trying here! Maybe by compressing their own fear, an actor builds up the energy necessary for overcoming that obstacle and also for outstanding performance. And, I do realize that the stakes for something you really want badly are much higher than for something less important, so therefore the more fear pulsing through my veins tells me how much I really care? The more fear the better? The more personal resistance the better? As long as you're not in danger of completely succumbing to the fear, I guess. Bogart also states that laziness, impatience, and distraction are all constant resistances to everyone in doing everything. Phew.
So, here's to being petrified, terrified, and scared shitless in 2010.
I think this is the key: "And, I do realize that the stakes for something you really want badly are much higher than for something less important, so therefore the more fear pulsing through my veins tells me how much I really care? The more fear the better?"
ReplyDeleteI know that is true in my life - I took dance classes for years and years and never felt even an ounce of stage fright because even though I enjoyed it immensely, I knew I would never be very good at dancing, and the only reason I did it was for fun. In contrast, I get so nervous before every class that I teach that I can't eat, my mind is racing, people talk right to me and I don't hear them. Teaching is something I want to be great at, something that I get paid for, and something that I believe matters. The stakes are so much higher, so I freak the fuck out.
Objectively I see that moving in unison to a Gloria Estefan song with eleven other young women while wearing sequins and/or fringe on over 50% of my body should be more horrifying and cringe-worthy than standing in front of a room full of young adults talking about a subject I enjoy, know a lot about, and am trained for, but in actuality, the latter nearly paralyzes me while the former barely registers.
I wish I could see your improv show!