Oops, I crapped my pants!

The last time I performed with my improv group an insane amount of panic bubbled up inside of me before the show. It was an "ohmygod ohmygod, I don't wanna, will i survive this?, what are we doing?" kind of feeling. I knew deep down that I wanted to do it. I think. I didn't actually want to leave and not perform but there was so much fear and dread and resistance to going out there on stage and just do it. What the hell?

Is this normal? Other things I do in life don't make me freak the fuck out. I mean, duh, this is the stuff I care about and love and want to succeed at so badly but do other people freak the fuck out? People who are more practiced? People who know they don't suck? Professionals? It really makes me wonder sometimes if this is really what I want to do or if I somehow enjoy the torture. (Maybe it's both.)

In A Director Prepares, Anne Bogart has an entire chapter on resistance. I thought this chapter would somehow validate my wacko feelings on performance. While Bogart believes you have to overcome resistance to accomplish any act, she talks a lot about external resistances. She looks at challenges such as budget and venue restraints explaining that difficulties intensify commitment and therefore create more energy. Sure, that makes sense, Anne, it's also kind of obvious: the more obstacles you care to overcome amplify dedication and passion. It's this energy thing that's kind of interesting and kind of applicable. Bogart argues that in every task, even "easy" ones, you must find the resistance in order to find that conquering energy because energy is the crucial ingredient necessary for theatre.

My last improv show was not perfect, but it was fun. Putting myself out there was the obstacle and in overcoming it, the performace truly did have energy! I'm still a little confused by Bogart, I really think she might be talking about resistance your character faces when on stage, but I'm really trying here! Maybe by compressing their own fear, an actor builds up the energy necessary for overcoming that obstacle and also for outstanding performance. And, I do realize that the stakes for something you really want badly are much higher than for something less important, so therefore the more fear pulsing through my veins tells me how much I really care? The more fear the better? The more personal resistance the better? As long as you're not in danger of completely succumbing to the fear, I guess. Bogart also states that laziness, impatience, and distraction are all constant resistances to everyone in doing everything. Phew.

So, here's to being petrified, terrified, and scared shitless in 2010.

Group Dynamics

I'm working on a new project with a new group of people and I can already tell that one person is crazy. Well, maybe not crazy but a pain in my ass.

While reflecting back on the past year and all the projects I've attempted to start versus the projects that I have actually succeeded at, I wonder how much has really been worth it. It's quite depressing really. However, I have learned. I have learned how to swiftly spot a crazy person that is not worth engaging in my endeavors. The signs are blatantly clear and I have learned not to ignore my intuition and first impressions because, through all the bullshit I have dragged myself through trying to reign in other's bizarre impulses and appreciate delusional thinking while carrying a group's burden on my own back, I can spot you like a hawk! And I know that you have the power to bring me down (not forever, but presently) and I will not do it again.

A novice may appreciate the Angel of Doom's differences and what their perspective would bring to the project. A novice would also be swayed by the resources that the Angel of Doom offers up: perhaps a great crew, director, location, equipment, investor, etc. Just say no! The instant gratification-like feeling you might get from adding a great new resource for your beloved project that you crave seeing come to fruition is not worth the heartbreak. It's all lies! Empty promises! Angel will make you look unprofessional to others, they will take credit for your ideas, and take it personally when you subtly push theirs aside. They will not see the entire picture and make sacrifices to get the project done, they are thinking only of themselves.

From my limited experience with sane collaborators (oh yeah, crazies will scare the sane ones far far away), it's worth the wait! Someone will get you someday and it feels so much better to sit in a meeting with someone and just know that you are on the same page.

I am breaking up with you, Angel of Doom, for good. I'm not looking for any more one night stands, I'm the marrying type. So, current crazy person bane of my existence, pack your bags and hit the road! You're fired.

The Disconnect

I had an appointment with my shrink the other day and we started talking about my career. She said something along the lines of, "I know that you're a very accomplishment oriented person and that you talk about all these projects and endeavors and what you need to do to succeed, but there seems to be a disconnect when it comes to execution." Woah! Shrinker just called me out on my bullshit. Not that it's bullshit, but she's kinda right.

There is most definitely a disconnect for me. It's not that I haven't tried to connect, because I certainly have, it's that sometimes it's hard not to get paralyzed and overwhelmed by fear and ignorance. I'd like to think that I'm learning more and more about this industry everyday but the truth of the matter is, I still don't have anything close to a technical team that I can attach to my creative projects. I still have creative teams flake out and disperse constantly. Have I stopped trying? No. But have I lost a little of my gusto? Yes.

There may be a self-confidence issue at play too, a fear to totally put myself out there and be rejected. The thing with rejection is, art is so subjective and if someone hates me and thinks I'm a moron then there's gotta be someone out there that thinks I'm a genius.

Somehow I need to kick things up into hyper gear. There's no more time to lose.

Bartle Doo

There's a guy named Ed Bassmaster that makes YouTube videos. Basically he has 5 different characters that go out into the real world, act ridiculous, and make people feel uncomfortable. He exploits people and their embarrassment in a Borat-type way only he's not as funny. For instance he goes into a Walmart and talks to a woman about camping equipment but speaks mostly gibberish mumbled together with a few real words. The result is not exactly hilarious, we just see a confused employee genuinely struggling to try to help this man. However, Ed Bassmaster works full time for YouTube. He has enough fans and enough independent video making gusto to make it his career.

Ed Bassmaster recently received a call from Sean Penn, who had seen his videos on YouTube and really enjoyed them. As a result he flew this guy out to L.A., put him up in his personal guest house, and set him up with a meeting with Ben Stiller.

This is exactly why I want and need to follow my own path with this stuff. It's why I have to work hard, do quality work, and then put it out into the atmosphere. Heads it is, people.

My dilemma.

I'm pretty sure that the only way I'm going to make it in this industry is by doing things on my own terms. I sort of got into this on Saturday October 10. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and in what direction I'd like to move in. Knowing all of these things, I have faith in myself more than anyone else to produce a really great project. Problem is, as an actor, I would have to dedicate a whole lot of time to aspects other than just my acting performance. Producing your own project is not exactly quick or easy. Or can it be? I think with practice it really can be. Rewind: At my stage in the game producing my own project is not exactly quick or easy. I know that in the process, when all is said and done I will submit that project to every festival I can, post it and plug it on the internet, and try my darndest to get it seen by as many people as possible! The gamble here is time and the potential to waste it, whether it be on flaky potential directors or finalizing a script. If the project falls through, there could be nothing to show for my time and energy. (The voice inside my head screams: "Don't let if fall through! Get it done somehow! Just do it!)

My roommate is constantly auditioning and he is constantly involved in projects. Some of the projects are shitty and some are not. Sometimes I wonder if I should just take his lead, get out there, do my share of shitty projects in exchange for a few decent ones and let the cards fall. The scary and liberating part of this scenario is that as an actor, a lowly actor, you don't have much control over the situation other than your own performance. If I'm brilliant but the production is sub par I can't invite industry people. If I'm brilliant and the production is amazing and my fellow actors are also brilliant, I certainly would invite industry, that's a gamble though. Just because I invite certain agents and casting directors doesn't mean they won't latch on to anyone else or show up at all. I'd get experience out of it. I could build my resume. I could get footage for a reel. I could meet talented people. All of those things are really important!

The dilemma comes when I'm deciding where to concentrate my energy. Which of these two sides of the coin? My gut always tells me heads until I see one of my actor friends in a really great project...Perhaps I concentrate on heads for a while and let tails lay dormant for the time being. When heads becomes too tedious or overwhelming, I give tails a chance? Because it is extremely difficult to concentrate on both at the same time. It's counter-productive, I know, but it seems that whichever I chose, I'm wondering what could be happening on the other side of the coin.